i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
