why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
