You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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