I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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