It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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