dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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