This dress was meant to end up on your floor
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
