i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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