Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
