she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
