I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
