The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
