peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
