I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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