Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
