the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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