Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
