Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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