My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
