You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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