a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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