my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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