You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
