the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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