I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
