Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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