I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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