Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize