I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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