I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well you can't waste a boner
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
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Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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