she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
