I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
