I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i've created a new STD.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
