My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
