and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
