My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
