Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
