"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
