I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
