My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
