I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
