she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish you could order shots online.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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