Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
