Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
