My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize