The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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