You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
