I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Help me help you realize you are a moron