Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
