Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
