I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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