dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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