Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
