It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
