dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
