Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
