Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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