She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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