I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
