Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
