i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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